| this is an emotional breakdown. and no, i am not okay, so don't ask. |
[Jul. 19th, 2005|09:08 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | colin hay- i just don't think i'll ever get over you | ] |
the garden state soundtrack. a sleepless night. nine am. an empty house. closed blinds. the taste of stale alcohol and shaking hands. i haven't been this depressed in a long time. sobbing in the early morning to slow folk songs is not something strange to me but it feels so different this time because last night, i woke up at four. got up and sat on the floor in the television room, right in the middle (i picked that spot for a lot of reasons). i held my hands tight and realized that there isn't any more hope.
all this time i'd been sad but it was okay because i was clinging to that tiny sliver of light, that possibility, that "maybe". that chance. and i set that free last night. it's funny, i feel a lot different. i'm shaking, but not crying anymore. i guess it's just that, in a non-suicidal way, i'm sick of living. there's nothing i want anymore, except to finish these songs and put them on record and smile when it's done. i'm weary. these last four months have taken it out of me. i'm spent, empty. i just don't know where to go from here. there's nowhere.
i haven't felt this horrible since the night she told me, after a year, that she didn't love me anymore.
"so let go, let go".
here's to letting go; i'm new. www.livejournal.com/users/_sayyes |
|
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| my favorite chords |
[Jul. 18th, 2005|04:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | iron and wine- woman king | ] |
"we were born to fuck each other
one way or another"
god, i hate thinking about you with him. empty coffeeshop. folk song, no missed calls. all the dishes are done. i'm caught up. i'm all caught up. in summer the days run together like watercolors. i just read the story of "jezebel" from the bible, and the feminist interpretation of it, and i wonder if afternoon greets evening as its replacement or as its kin.
"wait, we swear we'll love you
more"
sometimes i always think about everything in song.
i'm waiting for this feeling to pass. three months, it's still here. it sleeps with me and it's the first thing i haven't been able to numb with alcohol. pain can be dulled and loss can be regained, if only for a moment, sometimes, at the bottom of an empty glass. not this. i don't want love because i'm afraid of it and of its absoluteness and so i'm waiting. you're telling stories about your happiness and i'm trying not to hear you, i'm trying to drown you out with my favorite chords. |
|
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| how lonely people make a life |
[Jul. 17th, 2005|03:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | damien rice- the blower's daughter | ] |
so, i'm sitting on deven's computer. there is a green pinetree and a road out the window and in here there is a computer and scattered things. this song is coming from deven's room (i think). i guess deven matches now.
i feel way too much right now.
"i can't take my eyes, eyes...
'oh, did i say that i loved you?
did i say that want to leave it all behind?'
but i can't take my mind off of you. i can't take my mind off of you. i can't take my mind off of you. i can't take my mind off of you. i can't take my mind off of you. i can't take my mind.
until i find
somebody
new." |
|
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| the stars over kollen park |
[Jul. 16th, 2005|10:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  torn | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | iron and wine- jezebel (the most beautiful song) | ] |
between happiness and sadness
morning and evening
your laugh and your whisper.
between homesick and restless
blown like clothes on a line
you saw me come back and run away.
between the blue sky and the dirt
the gentle gravity
revolutions and circles of thought.
don't be predictable.
don't be heavy.
don't keep on promising.
don't fall for everyone.
don't fall for anyone.
[edit]
the next morning.
do you remember that first time you were feeling sad and i wrote 'i love you' on a paper and held it up to the mirror, took a picture? i remember that. i just want you to know i haven't forgotten you, or anything. i dreampt of you last night, anyway. this song reminds me of you. if i can't talk to you anymore, if you don't want me anymore, i guess i'll just listen to this.
jezebel. |
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| (i am) |
[Jul. 16th, 2005|01:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | listless | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | cursive- adapt (still) | ] |
"nobody wants to be left in the past"
hang up; get out of bed. finish that drink. pluck those strings; whisper those simple lyrics. i'm so simple, don't try to figure me out. i'm not like a book you read. i'm not like a book you read.
i'm not.
no, i'm not.
i want the rich boy
i want the rich boy
but the rich boy, he doesn't want me
i like the pretty girls
i like the pretty girls
but the pretty girls, they don't like me
adapt
nobody wants to be left in the past
adapt
nobody wants to be told how to act
nobody wants to be held back
be a good kid now
just do what they ask
but i want the nice house
i want the nice house
but the nice houses don't cost too cheap
well i want the best god
yeah, i want the biggest god
but those gods are so hard to believe
adapt
somebody has to keep waving the flag
adapt
somebody has to keep justice intact
somebody has to get stabbed in the back
it's for a good cause
now do what they ask
i am a good boy |
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| all over everyone |
[Jul. 15th, 2005|02:06 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | cursive- adapt | ] |
dear you. (and you.)
"once a liar
always a liar"
you are past, not present. do what you want now, but i don't want to hear about it. what i don't know... won't hurt me. so you tell. and this is how you come back like a ghost to wake me. this isn't about just you because it's not just you. i got a letter yesterday about how she's with some college boy.
it's right in front of you
so just do it.
don't play with this suspense
i'm not your puppet
i'm not your puppet anymore.
"somebody has to get stabbed in the back"
and something else; to someone else.
dear you.
right now i feel like there are things i need to say (but i'm too afraid to say them). and they're burning holes in me. it's like trying to hold your breath for so long, before you gasp and exhale and it all falls out. all over everyone. it's always my fault. all over everyone.
so if i say things that hurt you
i'm not sorry
i'm just being honest
i'm just tired of trying to hold my breath
for you. |
|
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| waking up |
[Jul. 15th, 2005|10:10 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  awake | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | matchbox twenty- rest stop | ] |
last night, post deven, was all twisted sheets
horrible dreams
and the worst night of my recent life.
last night with deven, was
wishes in fountains
where i couldn't wish for what i wanted
because it was selfish.
rediscovering albums
brownies
secret places
no curfews
lots and lots of aimless driving
squirt guns
you being too embarassed
to play guitar.
long conversations
honesty
and feeling small (which was comforting
and frightening at the same time)
under the stars.
oh, i love you too, deven lyon.
you are my favorite person in the world. |
|
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| evaporate |
[Jul. 13th, 2005|11:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | bright eyes- southern state | ] |
i am happy and sad. right now, it's that eleven fourty pm sadness but tomorrow morning's new light will be reassuring, and you told me that maybe the sun is just coming up for me so i should always be grateful. on eighth street; wet pavement; blurred streetlights; driving rain. that long walk, the people poured out and we stayed like the last drops of water in a spilled glass. you evaporated, i'm still lying there.
i'm thinking of gillian and how she came so suddenly, so easily, and now she's disappeared. she says there's a letter in the mail for me but i haven't seen it. i didn't see it coming, i didn't see you leaving me and this void in my life. sleepless nights; empty stomach; words overflowing. a lack of paper, an abundance of busy thought: i am overwhelmed.
maybe in my persuit of permenance i should just get my own footing and stop looking for someone to hold on to. but i wanted you to hold on to me, and i don't think you understand, but it's better that way. sometimes life is soft and generous so take what you have and try to get your roots in the ground before the wind shifts.
(this is like breathing "i love you", in the sweetest whisper, to a deaf person.)
so, an anecdote. i wrote a song this time last year for my first show, and for some reason the line comes to mind. "promise me there's anything permenant, and that i'm not all wrapped up in everything that will disappear". i'm always wanting someone to promise me something, i'm always wanting what you said last night to still be true in the morning. interesting, the juxtaposition of that line then with now, that written about my mother's loss of my dad and now there's my loss of everything: myself, her, you. in that order.
sometimes i pray.
and sometimes
i spend a half hour
looking at pictures
of a girl i've never met.
and wondering if i'll ever talk to her again. |
|
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| of shoulder blades and swing sets |
[Jul. 12th, 2005|12:48 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | weary | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | death cab for cuite- transatlanticism | ] |
"now i do as i please
and i lie through my teeth.
someone might get hurt
but it won't be me.
i should probably feel cheap
but i just feel free
and a little bit empty."
actually, i feel very empty. and this is harder than i thought it would be. and this hurts more than i thought it would hurt but i guess i just have to get on with it. sometimes i remember those weeks before everything changed and how now it feels so different. i'm not sure what i can say anymore, i can't be honest and that's what really hurts because you're the person i want to be honest with.
i once said that death cab for cutie could wrap you up and blur the world and it's sharp reality, and it's no less true tonight. in the last 36 hours i've slept for like four hours and i'm exhausted, i haven't eaten well, but it doesn't matter with this song. well, i'm not sure what i want, and i'm not sure what i need, but i like you. if it counts for anything.
tonight was all a mess of shoulder blades and swing sets.
and now there's a light in the corner of the room but they flicker on and off sometimes. "so come on. so come on, come on. i need you so much closer, so come on. come on."
come on, come on.
now i'm reminded of winter, driving to the mall with matt to buy christmas presents for people. it was pretty late for me to be out on a school night back in eighth grade, but i remember the driving snow, megan's car, neutral milk hotel. your company, my insulated heart. it was a wonderful night. now, i am alone in a big house. death cab makes me long for a cold winter and a warm lover who will curl up under blankets and drink hot chocolate and watch snowstorms and maybe there's someone still for me. maybe, maybe.
come on, come on. come on. |
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| yeah, they say "true" |
[Jul. 11th, 2005|01:44 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | bright eyes- loose leaves (my new favorite song) | ] |
oh, summer.
i'm lost in it.
and no, i'm not quite sure how to describe it.
i'm just "hopin for the best
plannin for the worst
and maybe i'll end up somewhere in the middle."
so, i'm liking my songs more and more. my fingers hurt. my stomach hurts. i'm tired. my eyes hurt. i'm on a huge bright eyes trip and if you wanna go out for coffee call me because i've been hanging out with mike, jake, and becky for as long as i can remember. i have no other friends anymore. (not that that's bad.)
"i'm cutting off my head to spite my shoulders. get behind the wheel, stay in front of the storm." |
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| nothing like a song |
[Jul. 11th, 2005|03:41 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | chipper | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | mike's cover of land locked blues | ] |
www.xanga.com/samtaylorii has mike and i singing songs.
anyway, we're just sitting here early in the morning on this fine monday singing a lot and my fingertips hurt. i'm gonna go find some snacks, a drink, and the gamecube.
love, sam
xoxo |
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| i am in love with the world that i hate |
[Jul. 9th, 2005|10:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | listless | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | death cab for cutie- tiny vessels | ] |
so, today was pretty alright. we had practice in my living room and i realized that this new stuff is going to sound better than anything i've ever done. i hope people come and hear us play this show, because i think they'll be suprised. i'm growing up in song and in life, but i feel like a baby tonight.
it went downhill from there.
i fought with people,
got hit in the face,
got my friend in trouble for her long distance phone calls to me.
i tried my best and came up short at work,
in relationships,
and with my accountability to myself.
i'm hurt and tired and all i want is to smile
and mean it.
it's getting harder
and harder
lately.
i miss my best friend
because i feel like i don't even know her anymore.
"lie to me and tell me it's gonna be alright
it's gonna be alright
it's gonna be alright."
eight hundred miles
a coffeeshop, lots of rushes
me and my anxiety.
tonight there are people who tip $2.25 on a latte.
a fifth of whiskey. two cigarettes.
i am in love with the world that i hate. |
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| and if you still love me after you read this, then you're a really great friend |
[Jul. 8th, 2005|04:44 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | manic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | bright eyes- easy/lucky/free | ] |
so i'm writing this because it's just something i need to get out because i'm so confused and hurt and spread out. i hope if you indeed bother to read all of this you understand that i'm not angry at anyone, but i'm frustrated with myself and my inability to recover from anything. it's obvious who this is about, but like i said i'm writing this for me and i don't want to be asked about this, i don't want to talk about this with anyone. don't try me.
you left me, it was about four months ago. i was a mess and you were so okay on the surface but apparently that was all an act. i bounced around from ex-girlfriend to acquaintance to ex-girlfriend to acquaintance to try to push you from my head. i had panic attacks and went through the worst period of mania of my life. you had relations with my friends, i fooled around with everyone who would take me. that's when i decided it would be a good idea to fall in love with someone else. i haven't been in love since you but i needed to feel like i was to get over you so i tried to convince myself to fall in love with the worst possible person.
and i got close to her but it wasn't ever going to be that. by the time i decided to keep myself from falling for her it was too late, it wasn't love but it lingers around like the smoke from the afternoon's cigarettes and i can still taste it in my mouth. i can still feel it in my toes when i think about her turning to me in the car and touching my hair. i'm sorry that i can't always control my feelings. i left you alone and now you're happy and i'm trying to stop thinking so hard about everything.
after that, i met another girl who was for tangible reasons totally impossible to love. and i tried to, then i tried not to, but in the end i couldn't help but realize that if she were near me she would be perfect. sometimes that stings but it's the intoxicating feeling of love and yearning that keeps me numb enough to handle all this loss. and i realize that i brought all of this upon myself and i've learned so much, but i'm still alone and i'm here and there are all my longings and they add up like shotglasses, but i'm still sitting here drunk on my own discontent.
so, i've found that i cannot force myself to fall for someone. i've learned that falling for someone does not help you get over the last one. i've learned that i can't stop myself from feeling what i feel and it's never going to be something controllable. so, here i am.
and there you are.
because it hurts that we aren't as close as we used to be
but i know that there's nothing i can do about that.
i'm sorry for lying all the time
because i do
and if you don't think i lie to you
then you just haven't realized it yet.
i lie to everyone
i lie about everything.
i was lying the other day
when i said i was happy for you.
but i'm not lying now
when i tell you
that i'm trying to be. |
|
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| well, i don't usually do these, but |
[Jul. 7th, 2005|11:18 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the good life- after o'rourkes, 2:10 am | ] |
portion 'a'.
i guess you're supposed to leave one word that describes me.
and portion two.
list six songs you've been obsessed with lately. then tag six folks to do the same.
1. azure ray- november
2. cursive- a gentleman caller
3. iron and wine- passing afternoon
4. death cab for cutie- title track
5. the good life- after o'rourkes, 2:10 am
6. eric clapton- tears in heaven (unplugged)
and becky and gillian have to do this now.
so today i am a ball of melancholy but i suppose that's okay. i'll leave you with the lyrics to something that i wish didn't sound so relevant. lately i've been ready to crawl in bed and remain there for days.
"i hate when you say you need me
you don't need me
i hate even worse that i need you
it kills me
when i was young i loved to be
by myself, all alone
now that i'm older, i'm scared of
myself all alone-
so lay with me, my love
i hate when you say you know me
you don't know me
what i hate even worse is
i know you- you're no mystery
you refuse to acknowledge how much
you can't stand who i am
i've been trying to tell you that
i've been a terror of a man
i hate it when you call
so lonesome after the bar
i know i should hang up the phone
but i never do"
well, i guess it's time to turn on my amplifier and finish up those songs that have been floating around in my head. |
|
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| i'm a puzzle |
[Jul. 6th, 2005|06:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  vaguely sad, mostly reflective | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | azure ray- the drinks we drank/november/sea of doubts | ] |
i'm sitting here with that nagging feeling that tastes something like jealousy, loneliness, envy, and regret. it's hard to put on a happy face sometimes but i know i have to, and i'm better at that than i ever have been. i'm faking it like a pro, and you can't even tell it makes my stomach twist to listen sometimes. have you ever waited so long for the right time to say something, or do something, that it just passed you by? it's the worst feeling in the world; watching everything you missed out on escape into the distance. i'm trying very hard to stop feeling this.
i'm happy for you. i promise. this is just hope's recoil, how it lifts you like a tablet you bought from that boy with the hooded sweatshirt, but drops you just the same. "you didn't say the words i would have said." this is my awful little way of saying i wanted to love you. this is my nostalgic little whisper, my way of telling you i'm sorry.
(sometimes, people read my entries and assume they are about someone who they aren't about. or about themselves, which is often not true. so don't try to figure me out, i'm not a puzzle.) |
|
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| i am alone |
[Jul. 5th, 2005|07:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | iron and wine- passing afternoon (on repeat) | ] |
this is the saddest i've been in a while. i want to get caught in the rain and fall in love, and i can't write about anything i'm feeling because i'm afraid to say it. but i'm patient, if anything, and i'll wait for it to pass like it never did before.
it's funny how sometimes i just feel drenched. that heavy feeling of clinging clothes, the cold breeze of summer, a summer i'm not having. i remember years ago jumping off the docks at the yacht club with sam and josh and phillip and travis and hunter and justin. and how we loved each other and watched out for each other and how summer was never sad. or slow, or crawling like it is now. we'd sleep in hotels and sail across lakes, but i never felt as homesick as i do right now in my living room.
i was writing a song called homesick, but sometimes there are feelings that are too personal to describe. things i never shared with anyone because i couldn't find the words, or i didn't understand the point of origin. where is this coming from? it's going to rain tonight, and i'm going to sit inside looking out my window, because i don't have anyone to curl up with.
for the last two years happiness has been on the other side of a glass panel. i could watch it, emulate it, listen to it, but never fully feel it. i can act it out almost exactly now, because sometimes i feel like my depression is just something i have to stop trying to overcome and learn to live with.
it's these lonely summer nights that hurt like a new disease. i can build up my immunities to some things, but these nights always sting anew, as if i never learned from the summer before how to escape this nagging emptiness. i feel like i'm floating away from myself and everyone i love, like we're all standing on ice and the piece i was on broke off from everyone else. pull me back, someone.
"and they'll kiss as if they know
a baby sleeps in all our bones
so scared to be alone." |
|
|
| of distance |
[Jul. 4th, 2005|11:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | empty | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | i & w- naked as we came/passing afternoon/trapeze swinger | ] |
to be happy
i have to knock everything down
and start over.
so, you could never fall in love with me
but i waited anyway.
sometimes i wonder if the ground remembers me from my last fall.
and i could never stop grasping for something
that i haven't found.
sometimes i wonder if things could be different
but really, there's nothing i can do.
i can't be with who i've tried to be with
or who i've tried not to be with.
and it's really scary
right now
i'm petrified. i can't move
i can't think
because i'm afraid to feel
i'm afriad to finally realize
that i'm alone
in every sense of the word.
a circle, here my thoughts come back to you
and those couple of months.
my love affair with hope
that has left me stranded.
"please remember me
seldomly
in the car behind the carnival.
my hand
between your knees
you turn from me
and said, 'the trapeze act was wonderful
but never meant to last'
the clouds they passed
and saw me just come up with anger.
when it filled, the circus dozed
and the parking lot
had an element of danger." |
|
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| debris |
[Jul. 3rd, 2005|11:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | complacent | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | rilo kiley- with arms outstreached | ] |
so, here i am and there you are. there's all of this between us but we're still on the same plane, and i think somewhere between the car crash that was her and i and the long distance bills i'm starting to remember why i liked you. it's funny, how sometimes i don't know what i need but these days i never even know what i want.
"you can sleep upon my doorstep
you can promise me indifference, jim
but my mind is made up
and i'll never let you in again".
i'm not getting hurt again. there are some things that can't be reversed and some things that can't be erased and even more things that i won't be able to get past. so let me go because i let you go when you asked me to so long ago.
"and some days they last longer than others".
then there's the way she told me last night, the girl i've been talking to for hours a day for the last couple months, that she's seeing some boy. for all the time i've been telling myself "that's not what i want; she's not what i need", that hurt more than i expected. i suppose i'm always suprising myself, and everyone else.
what i mean to say, is that if you ever fall in love with something lock it in a box and mail it to russia, because either you'll destroy it and, subsequently, yourself, or it will bury you alive in everything you always wanted and then disappear, just when you were getting comfortable.
now i'm sitting here, counting my blessings. i don't know where to start or finish, but it always helps me dig myself out of my worry. deven's home; i'm scared and overjoyed. my father's too human for words, and somehow i'm managing to break your heart again. i ate all the sushi in the house but mom brought home ice cream. she cried the other day, standing by the counter.
a letter from dad's attorney, she always fears her custody will be taken. he's already stolen everything from her and we're all she has. i would never let him take me away from my mother.
"now it's sixteen miles
to the promised land
and i promise you
i'm doing the best i can". |
|
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| orange walls |
[Jul. 2nd, 2005|02:13 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | complacent | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | coldplay- a message | ] |
i'm calm
and i'm making decisions.
deven comes home tomorrow
but i'm not sure what that means.
i'm worried
but i'm learning to fake it
so promise me you won't try so hard
to figure me out. |
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